misc ; logic vs chaos

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There are some personal posts in my journal. For this reason, I'd simply like to know who is reading them.

Everyone is welcome to become a friend. I am not biased. I simply want to know who is reading.

If, by some wild chance, you are looking for my fanfictions or videos, they can be found at 

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misc ; logic vs chaos

smile like you mean it

There was a stand off at the apartments that I live in.

This guy was threatening to commit suicide so they got everyone out of their apartments and took them to a center down the road. Thankfully I was at work at the time and did not have to be evacuated or anything. lol. Gotta love these apartments!

They got him out and I am at home now. How odd, though.
misc ; logic vs chaos

i'd swim the ocean for you

Song: Now That We're Done
Artist: Metro Station
Fandom: The O.C.
Pairing: SandyJulie (yes. you read right.)
Length : 2:26

au : sandy and julie were together. julie wanted out and broke sandy's heart in the process. now she regrets it but it seems too late because they have already said hurtful things that they can't take back.

HERE at unenamour 

Zomg! Jandy is the best! So much better than Kandy!

(I feel bad for telling you my plans for new videos and then actually making one from left field. It's just what I was inspired to do, I suppose. Anyways, enjoy! The border is unintentionally green and I am a little upset about it.)
misc ; logic vs chaos

i'm doing cartwheels

I think that I am going to make my journal friend's only. There is some personal stuff on here that I don't want just anyone seeing. Random but just thought I would mention it.

New video!

Trailer for a new fan fiction, 'She Will Be Loved'

Pairing: PeterKelly + AaronKelly (Hooray for Love Triangles!)
Length : 2:27
Songs : "Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon
"Cartwheels" by The Reindeer Section
"Dice" by Finley Quaye

HERE at unenamour 

I've discovered a song for another PeterKelly song and also one for a Rebecca/Sandy/Kirsten video. Plus, I need to work on a Kelly Rowan video for her birthday.... I can't find the right song. Grr.
misc ; logic vs chaos

i didn't get around to kiss you goodbye on the hand

I was working on an English paper about 12 o'clock in the morning last night when mom brought me the phone. I knew immediately what was happening. Dad was on the other end and he told me. I did not say anything just closed my eyes and cried.

This morning, I anticipated missing my first class, Art Appreciation, considering nothing happens to pre-occupy me from my thoughts. However, I slept for longer than I anticipated and said screw it all. So I missed Speech and English. I did however make my way to school to deliver my final Orientation assignment.

After that, I went to my high school to see Mrs. Dixon, my George Feeny (for anyone who will get the reference). She made the statement that nothing anyone could say would fix this and she is right but talking with her really helped. I needed a hug and a friendly face and she delivered. I was super thankful for her.

Then I went to work and teared up quite a bit at the beginning. JT works in my group and he is just one of the sweetest guys. He has these huge arm muscles. Anyway, he always asks how my day is going and yesterday I told him that it wasn't going so well and why. So today he asked me how I was doing today and I couldn't trust my voice to not crack and squeek and make me sound pathetic so I attempted to make a shoulder/face gesture to indicate 'Not so good.' I guess. I did not succeed and then he asked if it was about my grandfather and then I told him what happened and the tears really piled up but didn't really fall.

As I walked away and did other things they fell and so my eyes are red, puffy, and my face is white. Then my boss comes over and asks about my grandfather. I told him what happened and he asked why I was at work. I must admit I was pretty happy that was his reaction, that I work in a place that is very understanding and would like to send me home knowing that I am going through something very hard. But none the less, if I am stuck in Dothan, I may as well be working.

I will leave tomorrow around 3. Thankfully, my great uncle, John, is going to let us borrow a car to drive up to Montgomery since our jeep is pure crap in gas mileage and driving in general. We'll leave around 3, be in Montgomery around 5.

The visitation is Saturday afternoon and the funeral is Sunday afternoon. I will be staying with my father in my his mother (Ma)'s house while my mother and brother will be at my (technically step-)grandmother's house. This grandmother is Nana and she is my mother's step-mother. I will also be staying Monday with my father and possibly Tuesday. I need to be up there to help in any way I can. I am sick of being helpless in Dothan.

This weekend is going to be the hardest of my life.
misc ; logic vs chaos

i'm miles from where you are

Well, today was hard. I went in to work at 12:30 and had to wait until three o'clock to receive information about my grandfather. Those hours went by so slowly and once the time was there, I was terrified to go find out, ya know? Luckily, nothing was too horrible to find out at work with a warehouse full of strangers and a job to be done. My father informed me that granddaddy had been asleep since he had arrived and he was on pain meds. The good news is he doesn't seem to be in any pain. He's just laying there asleep.

After work, I called Dad and finally cut to the chase. "Is this it?" I asked. I was getting mixed signals from everyone and their dog so I finally just asked Dad, knowing how to read him and knowing that he would have to tell me the truth. Then he said, "Yeah, this is it." A small part of me still hoped that he would say something else, practically anything else. Dad is usually very positive and optimistic in times like these so with him saying that, I knew he had to be right.

I want to say goodbye in person while he is still here. I know he probably won't talk back or anything, won't even open his arms probably. I was trying to figure out why I need that. Why I want so badly to be in the same room with him as he is breathing, even though I know he knows that I love him. I finally realized : I need him to feel my hand and feel my love rather than just hear it. I want to hold his hand so he can know that I was there.

Closure... I suppose is the right word but even then, it feels so weird. So tomorrow I will go to school, go to work, and then hopefully leave for Montgomery. Pray that he holds on. Just long enough. For me to hold his hand, kiss his forehead, feel his warm skin against mine before it's no longer warm. Please hold on.

I know he is going to a better place but at this point, this early, that fact gives me very little comfort. I'm happy that he will go where his lungs will be clean and breathing won't be such a painful, difficult task. Still, that selfish part in my heart hurts and spreads to the rest of my body. I love him, I need him. It's not fair for me.

While on the phone with my father for the last time of the night, I asked about my grandmother, Ma, and how she was doing.

(I tell you she and my grandfather are one of the cutest couples ever. They still love each other so much even though they've been together for over 50 years. One of these days I will post a picture of how cute they are. Anyways, I can't imagine Ma without Granddaddy. They are just a two-piece set. You can't have one without the other.)

I'm really worried about her so I ask father about his mother and he answers that she is tired but okay. Then he asks if I want to talk to her and I take a moment and give it a real think because I know I am going to cry again and I am already very sick of crying. But I say yes because I need to talk to her and I need her to know how much I care because I'm sure father is keeping the family posted that I keep calling but I need them to know how much this is hurting me too. Even though, my body is forced to stay in Dothan doesn't mean my heart isn't in Montgomery because it is. So we spoke and we cried.

She did make me smile though. My grandparents on that side are very old-fashioned and not very hip to trends and whatnot. So Dad and I have BlackBerrys aka Space Phones so surely to her it is baffling. Dad hands her the phone and she begins to talk and asks how I am of all things. Her husband is dying and she asks how I am doing. I hesitate because I am about to burst into tears at the sound of her weary voice. Because of my hesitation she thinks she has picked up the phone wrong even though dad would not hand her the phone incorrectly. So I can hear her ask Dad if she is holding it right. lol. It made me smile a little. Ma is still Ma even in the face of all this.

I'm praying that he will wait for me.

P.S. Mom continues to anger me. She just doesn't seem to understand and it's really frustrating and it makes me really disinclined to let her see me vulnerable which makes me feel hateful towards her.
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misc ; logic vs chaos

if this silence takes you, then i hope it takes me too.

Today started off kind of good. I was woken by my parents to go to school. I have to be there at 8. Desperate Housewives starts at 7 and is over at 8. I turned over and went back to sleep when they woke me up a few times. So when I finally decide 'Ugh. I have to get up and go to school.' I look at the TV and the credits for Desperate Housewives is running. So I decided to skip computer all together because I didn't want to walk in 5 minutes late. *shrugs shoulders* Isn't that what people are supposed to do in college anyway?

So I did decide to go to Western Civ which starts at 9:25. So I go, groggily. When I get out, who is waiting outside the door but my father. Odd. But I figure he has left something in the car that he needs for work. No big deal. Then he says he needs the car. Still I think he has to go somewhere for work, which often he does, and the car gets better gas mileage so he'll take it. Then he drops the bomb and says he has to go to Montgomery. Immediately, I am worried and ask what's wrong. He tells me my grandfather is doing bad, which I've heard before throughout the past ten years. So I'm still more worried than I usually am because the tone in everyone's voices lately have been different.

My grandfather has emphezema as a result of smoking for almost 50 years. So he has a lot of health issues and has for the past 10 years. Recently, he slipped and hurt himself and since then everything has been a little more dire. Which confuses me because... he fell? He's had gunk in his lungs for the past 10+ years and we're worried about him slipping. Apparently, there are things that aren't being fully explained to me even though I am 18 for God sakes and I will hate them for not informing me when I learn the truth.

So last night I bought him a card to tell him what he means to me in case it's the last thing he reads from me, I wanted to make sure he knows how much he means to me. So Dad and I run back home so I can fill out the card which I thought I would have more time for.

(FYI : I totally hate to cry. In front of anyone. I just hate it and I rarely do.)

I finally ask what do they mean he's not doing well. It could mean anything. It could mean he has a splinter, I swear to you. Dad tells me they think he may have had a stroke.

So Dad takes the card and goes to leave and we hug and I just break down, like I was trying to when I wrote the card. So I cry and tell Dad I want to go but no I have work. So he tells me that it may be nothing, which I half believe because a lot of time it is.

So he leaves and once I have composed myself, I call mom back because she's left me like 3 messages being a retard. 1.) I am in class. 2.) I still have the car keys so Dad can't leave. Anyways... so I call her back, calm and chomping on a raw veggie platter because even though I don't feel like it, I know I need to eat because I'm going to work and then I'll starve and probably vomit.

So I call her and she is Mom and I forget how we get to her saying this but she says something about this is it and he is going to die. To which I chastise her because even though I am logical and understand, I don't want to hear that! Denial is a very effective coping mechanism and until I hear it for sure, I don't want to think about it. So I chastize and she says, "What? That's what Aunt Maria said when she called." So I feel the tears about to pour down my face and so I hung up on her. She's called back thrice and I've pressed 'end' every time. I'm not talking to that insensitive hypocrite right now.

Her dad died 14 years ago and when I say things that are not that insensitive she boo-hoos. Why does she think she can say things like that and I'm not going to be affected?
misc ; logic vs chaos

suddenly, his life had meaning.

Good weekend. Pretty much covers it. ;)

No school Friday! Sweet! Work was over at 7! Sweet again! Then I went to Olivia's to spend the night. We had Pizza Hut and watched 'Baby Mama'. Beautiful!

Saturday morning I had to go to Orientation. (3/4) I thought I was going to be late so I rushed. I ended up being 10 minutes early. Typical. After orientation, I traveled with Olivia's family to Troy to watch the football game, which we won. The score was 65-0! (Alabama also won their game! 41-7) I also had funnel cake and it was great.

Then I slept in the dorm and had to shower in the public shower. Ew! But it ended up being okay. Hannah and I had Taco Bell after the game. Yum, chalupas!

Sunday I woke at 6 in the morning with a stomach ache! Ugh. Around 9:30, we left for Dothan.

Around five, I went to hang out with Elsy, who moved to England three years ago so I hadn't seen her. It was just like old times and so much fun! We ended up coming to my house and watching old home movies with my mom. (I was such an adorable two year old!)

1:37 in the morning.... about to die.... Bye!