stanley hudson : big butt, bigger heart (viper209n) wrote,
stanley hudson : big butt, bigger heart

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i'm miles from where you are

Well, today was hard. I went in to work at 12:30 and had to wait until three o'clock to receive information about my grandfather. Those hours went by so slowly and once the time was there, I was terrified to go find out, ya know? Luckily, nothing was too horrible to find out at work with a warehouse full of strangers and a job to be done. My father informed me that granddaddy had been asleep since he had arrived and he was on pain meds. The good news is he doesn't seem to be in any pain. He's just laying there asleep.

After work, I called Dad and finally cut to the chase. "Is this it?" I asked. I was getting mixed signals from everyone and their dog so I finally just asked Dad, knowing how to read him and knowing that he would have to tell me the truth. Then he said, "Yeah, this is it." A small part of me still hoped that he would say something else, practically anything else. Dad is usually very positive and optimistic in times like these so with him saying that, I knew he had to be right.

I want to say goodbye in person while he is still here. I know he probably won't talk back or anything, won't even open his arms probably. I was trying to figure out why I need that. Why I want so badly to be in the same room with him as he is breathing, even though I know he knows that I love him. I finally realized : I need him to feel my hand and feel my love rather than just hear it. I want to hold his hand so he can know that I was there.

Closure... I suppose is the right word but even then, it feels so weird. So tomorrow I will go to school, go to work, and then hopefully leave for Montgomery. Pray that he holds on. Just long enough. For me to hold his hand, kiss his forehead, feel his warm skin against mine before it's no longer warm. Please hold on.

I know he is going to a better place but at this point, this early, that fact gives me very little comfort. I'm happy that he will go where his lungs will be clean and breathing won't be such a painful, difficult task. Still, that selfish part in my heart hurts and spreads to the rest of my body. I love him, I need him. It's not fair for me.

While on the phone with my father for the last time of the night, I asked about my grandmother, Ma, and how she was doing.

(I tell you she and my grandfather are one of the cutest couples ever. They still love each other so much even though they've been together for over 50 years. One of these days I will post a picture of how cute they are. Anyways, I can't imagine Ma without Granddaddy. They are just a two-piece set. You can't have one without the other.)

I'm really worried about her so I ask father about his mother and he answers that she is tired but okay. Then he asks if I want to talk to her and I take a moment and give it a real think because I know I am going to cry again and I am already very sick of crying. But I say yes because I need to talk to her and I need her to know how much I care because I'm sure father is keeping the family posted that I keep calling but I need them to know how much this is hurting me too. Even though, my body is forced to stay in Dothan doesn't mean my heart isn't in Montgomery because it is. So we spoke and we cried.

She did make me smile though. My grandparents on that side are very old-fashioned and not very hip to trends and whatnot. So Dad and I have BlackBerrys aka Space Phones so surely to her it is baffling. Dad hands her the phone and she begins to talk and asks how I am of all things. Her husband is dying and she asks how I am doing. I hesitate because I am about to burst into tears at the sound of her weary voice. Because of my hesitation she thinks she has picked up the phone wrong even though dad would not hand her the phone incorrectly. So I can hear her ask Dad if she is holding it right. lol. It made me smile a little. Ma is still Ma even in the face of all this.

I'm praying that he will wait for me.

P.S. Mom continues to anger me. She just doesn't seem to understand and it's really frustrating and it makes me really disinclined to let her see me vulnerable which makes me feel hateful towards her.
Tags: real life - family

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